... don't be thinking that TP won a race at Cowdenbeath on Saturday Night - it wasn't him it was me, Meniscus, I'm the one that pulls the strings - its easy from way up here on the wing - I mean for the first 2 races of the night, when he was in control, he couldn't catch the cold he brought with him. Then when I took over we managed a 6th in the final with a mis-fire and 1st in the National, I was tired for Barford and a little bit scared - you can see it in my eyes and look what happened there - back to his normal white top form, why does he bother?

TP's driving scared the living crap out of me at Barford!

Back to my first win of the season. I managed to get a good start and was in the lead after a couple of laps (this car is a lot more responsive, when you are 'flyin by wire' than the old one). Mike who started behind us (because I used the old 'Me starter isn't working - can you give me a push - sucker!' routine) decided to drive straight into the wall, I think, his throttle was sticking a bit, (the advantage of being 8" tall is that you can get under other people's bonnets and pull at cables and things - some people call them Gremlins - I call it 'being Meniscussed', anyway I was in the lead and I could see Paul Ford closing quickly, (I had previously been under Pauls car and undone a couple of propshaft bolts) I reckoned he had about 4 laps worth of bolt left when I was under his car, and on the next lap I saw Paul parked in the wall. I think he had suffered from prop problems, how could that have happened?

From about 4 laps in George Macmillan was starting to close behind and Mike was starting to close in front - I could see it happening, me passing Mike and George Macmillan coming to pass me - 'Get going Mike', I'll try and distract George... how about the V's... he's thinking about it look he's taking his time catching me Who's that behind him? Mr Fortune - (Fortune is supposed to favour the Brave - you don't get braver than riding on a car driven by TP) well that will probably sort George out, but I know, Mr Fortune will not hesitate to give TP a good stuffing when he catches him! 'Stop touching that steering wheel you idiot - you'll get the strings tangled', Fortune is right behind us now... I'll try a Mooney over the back of the wing, he's bound to be distracted. I think its working. 'Loser 7' is closing on him quickly now 'Faster Gordon, Fortune is starting to look in his mirror's... Faster Gordon' - how many more laps can they be - there's the 3 lap marker - 'Mike keep going, don't you dare get in my way now'.

2 to go, Loser is passing Fortune, what can I do now he will be on us in a flash 'Slower Gordon!!!' - 1 to go, 'That's it TP, urinate out of the cab - not in the cab, you arse', I'll do it, a bit of Monkey Juice on the track, will make him slip wide a bit, 1 bend to go now, I think we have enough of a gap. I think I can manage a shake of the coffee beans to Mr Moodie at this point, just for a final distraction! That's it, just get your braking right and across the line, just behind Mike who was obviously waiting to get on a picture with a chequered flag and with Moody right behind me - what a pic that would make! (If anybody took such a pic, I could do with a copy) Quick I better hide the strings the Scrot's coming to check the tyres - he might class it as outside assistance if he thinks I was driving...

So there you have it - how I won our first race of the season, that's how it happened, honest.

Well I've got to go now - I need some ear plugs I don't think I can stand another week of, 'I won my first race at Cowdy, I beat Gordon Moodie, I nearly lapped Mike, Get the Red paint out, yak, yak, yak.....'

Shut up you Dick, it wasn't you it was me!

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All hero worshippers and sicaphants can email me direct - I might even reply if I can be bothered.
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March 2007:

I tell it like it really is...

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